beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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