I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
