Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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