i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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