we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Randomize
