Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
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Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
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I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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