I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
false alarm, still single
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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