I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
