Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
