I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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