What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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