I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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