We tried having a conversation with our noses.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
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remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
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Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize