Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
