fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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