your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
your like the ambassador to my penis.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I'm always down for nudity.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
