I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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