i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I have feelings that need drinking.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
They are going to name an STD after you.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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