you guys were way drunker than both of me
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
