I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
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At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
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Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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