I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
