Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
