Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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