My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
