do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
