Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
