i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
