just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
