he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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