The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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