So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
