First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
