dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Sober January is a disaster.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
