you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
the raccoons are back...
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