the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
