Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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