woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
