Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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