I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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