do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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