I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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