think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
