I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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