Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
