Only a mothe r could love this liver
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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