Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
