Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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