Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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