i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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