every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
