Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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