if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
