Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Randomize
