after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
