I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
organizing the empties. That sober.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
