I think scott just propositioned me for sex
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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