Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
