You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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