Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
