my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
