all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
