So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Randomize
