My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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