I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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