She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
