i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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